MitchMash: Dealing with loss and grief at Coppell and in high school sports

Joe McBride didn't particulary want to come to school on Monday. And he certainly didn't feel like teaching or coaching football.

Like the rest of the more than 3,000 students and faculty at Coppell (Texas) High School, near Dallas, the football coach was grieving the disappearance of Jacob Logan, a wildly popular student and star athlete who never resurfaced from cliff diving at the Possum Kingdom Lake and was presumed dead.

On Thursday night at 9:21 p.m., that presumption was realized when Jacob's body was finally discovered by diligent rescue team members. Jacob, a Division I football prospect, was 17.

"Monday was really hard," McBride told MaxPreps correspondent and friend Randy Jennings on Thursday, about four hours before Jacob's body was discovered. "I felt guilty doing the things I had to do as leader of our program when what I really wanted to do was hit pause and cry.''

Imagine a day later, when another Coppell senior and track athlete Jonah Blackwell, 18, was found dead on a nature trail at a park. He had been texting suicidal messages.

The two tragedies were unrelated, police said, but wounded an already emotionally raw campus even deeper.

"Seeing an empty desk in two of my classes is just horrible," classmate Garrett Anderson told wfaa.com.

It's raw as well at Oscar Smith (Chesapeake, Va.) High School, where a 14-year-old JV football player JheVontae Davis died Wednesday shortly after collapsing on the practice field.

Players and students at Hartsville (S.C.) are still grieving over the Oct. 6 death of 18-year-old lineman Ronald Rouse, who sustained a fatal sudden cardiac arrhythmia during the second quarter of a football game.

It's a great big country and tragedy among teens occurs almost daily. Learning to cope with calamity, unfortunately, is as vital as taking courses in biology or economics. 

The classroom in these cases are on athletic fields and within the sports programs, which most often turn out to be healthy grieving grounds.

Student athletes who have shared extreme experiences and emotions before are more likely to feel safe to express their emotional pains among teammates and to nurturing coaches like McBride, who has built a close-knit family environment.

Clair Howard, a clinical psychologist from Northern California, said that environment can be an ideal place to deal with tragedy and mend the heart. Both her children played high school sports.

Though professional grief counselors are almost always offered on campus – they are at Coppell - kids often won't take advantage, Howard said.

Instead, athletes will often reach out to their team and coaches — a place they feel open and comfortable to bleed their heart.

"Team sports teaches kids the core values of togetherness and sharing so that when tragedy strikes, the closeness of the team helps them unite and bond and heal," she said. "They've already experienced the wide range of emotions through sweat and sacrifice and competition. On a much lesser scale they've already experienced loss and also the sweet taste of victory on the playing fields. All those ranges of emotions shared help in coming together in a time of grief and need."

Huge ranges of emotions
Still, Howard said, everyone grieves in different ways and speeds, and it's key for coaches to be skilled and responsive.

That's certainly not easy when coaches are hurting themselves. Coaches like McBride, who said losing Jacob was like losing a son.

"I've been working with him his entire three and a half years in our program," McBride said. "He was the bell cow guy of our team, a natural leader that the other guys followed. A great young man not only on the football team, but in all aspects of life.''

Howard said honoring the fallen is a tremendous way to heal. The Cowboys have already planned to do that in numerous ways in tonight's game at Flower Mound.

They'll wear his number "21" on the side of their helmets and blue ribbons and shirts – Jacob's favorite color – before the game. They'll write personal messages on their shoes and arms and wrist bands and right before game time will honor Jacob with a moment of silence.

Balloons will be released at the team next home game on Oct. 26.

"All those things to show the family and person they are honoring him is absolutely therapeutic," Howard said.

But she warns, the level of play tonight and weeks to come might be sporadic and uneven. Like the grieving process itself, emotional levels vary.

"There's some kids who feel survivor's guilt," Howard said. "Some will be weighted down by the emotions of the week. Others will absolutely play their fannies off. There's huge differences in responses."

Anger, disillusionment and even deeper remorse is a common response for those left behind by suicide. Copy cat behavior is also harsh reality.

Howard's firm piece of advice: "Pay attention to all warning signs. If a friend is talking desperately or about suicide, take it very, very serious. Act on it and don't keep it quiet."

"We all hurt"
Fortunately, around the Coppell community, an outpouring of emotion and expression has reigned on campus, on-line and all points in between.

Several Facebook accounts have been created, including a most poignant one – "Stay Strong Coppell." Hundreds upon thousands messages have been left from friends, acquaintances and strangers alike.

"I did not have the pleasure of knowing Jacob or Jonah but I see they had wonderful friends and family," wrote Ron Norris. "It is awesome to see a community and school come together the way Coppell is. My prayers are with both families and for you the many friends. God bless you all."

McBride said his Cowboys have felt the love. They've grieved hard and wide and likely will the rest of the season.

Lost – and rightfully so – is the fact that the team is 6-0 and nationally ranked, third in the Freeman computer rankings. Beyond his spiritual leadership, Jacob was also the team's most versatile player.

"Jacob did so many things for our program," McBride said. "He was the only guy that played both ways, he was our kick returner and punt returner, the harsh reality of replacing him is very difficult."

The Cowboys won't really try. They say he'll be included in every huddle, every pre- and post-game prayer and of course, his number is planted on the side of every helmet.

More than all that, they say, he's in their soul. 

"Our kids have come to a place of peace," McBride said. "They hurt — we all hurt — but they will play with the thought of him on their mind.''